Getting there

We went to the hospital yesterday.....
Bean really was very very poorly, got the prelimenary post mortem results and she was not in a good shape inside...

Consultant actually said to us that the patau she had was incompatible to life....we already knew that but it makes what happened easier hearing someone else, a qualified person saying it...

Got the photos they'd taken of her, they werent very good...ours were nicer....we think the ones they took were taken after the post mortem...NICE!!! Oh well, thank goodness for camera phones eh??!! Without them we'd only have our memory of how she really looked!!!

Some Poetry

Touched by our angel

To create a little angel
God chose 2 special people
Knowing only love and happiness
she knew no fear or evil
Her short life brought so much joy
Within my womb she was strong
The kicks the nudges and the bond
But in Heaven is where she belongs
There was a higher calling
Her purpose was not this Earth
God has a plan for us all
And hers was not for birth
Although our hearts were broken
We'd not turn back the clock
The tears were all worth while
For we were all touched by our angel

Lianne Sealey July 2006

Here's 2 other lovely ones that I found on another website and thought Id share. (ie they're not mine).

My silent child
My silent child
our precious baby,
Close to my heart
I'll keep you with me.
An important job
God has for you,
There is love to give,
and work to do.

He needs an angel
strong but small,
To shine light on many
and give love to all.
Before you go
I give you this,
half my heart
and one last kiss.

We'll miss you dearly
that we know,
But by God you were
chosen,
So to heaven, you must go

The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connected us 'til birth.
This cord can't be seen
By anyone on earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It bonds us together
Attached at the heart.
I know that's it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
It's hard to describe
It can't be destroyed.
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test,
Can hold any weight
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me.
The cord is still there,
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised....I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that we are
Connected this way.
A mother and a child
Death can't take it away

Bean

Thought Id put some photos of Bean on here, just so you could see how beautiful she was.
Obviously she was only 22 weeks gestation so she was never going to look like a 'normal' full term baby (though some of them can look a bit freaky!!) The midwife that delivered her is in the one picture, giving you more of an understanding of her size. (Bean - not the midwife!!)

A question of Faith

When I was awaiting the detailed scan that would confirm that Bean had a problem or not I prayed so hard to God (as did an awful lot of people) that she would be ok....

I told a collegue at work that my biggest fear was that if things didnt work out and that we would lose her that I'd start blaming God and actually start questioning his existence and my faith.
How wrong could I have been. God didnt answer the prayer I prayed that week, he did however answer the following prayers from those around us and indeed from myself to give us strength to go on. I actually feel sorry for those with no faith. How could they get through times like this? We were 'cushioned' by prayer and it had a calming affect on us all. Prayer really does work. I will now make a conscious effort to pray for those who need and ask for it....no more empty promises of yeah I'll pray for you, only to forget. Having been on the receiving end I know how much the prayer is genuinely needed and how much it works. AT one point in my heart I knew God wasnt going to answer the original prayer. I remembered one time in Southampton, a young mother who went to the army had cancer and had been battling it and battling it. I prayed so hard that she would be ok. Not (if Im honest) because I would miss her as I didnt know her that well, but for the sake of her young daughter and husband. Needless to say that prayer also went unanswered in the way I wanted and she eventually lost her battle. God doesnt always answer prayer how we want but he always has his reasons.

On the day I delivered Bean me and Paul were talking and we came to the conclusion that God had a higher purpose for her, he had chosen us to make this beautiful angel for him so that he could take her by his side before she was born into this world. He needed someone so special and someone who had not been tainted with the evil of this world. Someone who had only known immense (and I mean immense) love.
Yes I'd rather God had let us have her all healthy but who are we to decide what God should and shouldnt do?
This was our only logical way of understanding the situation....why else would God allow us (and others) to conceive only to lose the baby before delivering? God needs his angels, and they cant all be ones who have lived on this earth.

All I can say is I havent lost my faith, it is my faith (and my family and friends) who have kept me going.
I just pray that God sees fit to now let us go on to have healthy children, he has our little angel by his side, let us have our own now.

so what do people see me as?

Im kinda bored at the moment and found this site.....

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is creative and expressive. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem gentle and sensitive. In stressful situations, you seem cheerful and optimistic.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

I guess its kinda true really, wow stressful situations....hmmmmmmmm had a few of those recently, and yeah we have been optimistic and relatively cheerful, cracking silly jokes that others may see as a bit mad at a time like this but what can we do about it?
Bean has gone up to heaven, she is having a wail of a time in whatever purpose she was made for......me and Paul were priviledged to say we were chosen to make this special little angel....not everyone can say that now can they?
Life goes on....you can either go on with it and make the most outof it or you can wallow in your self pity....Not really a dificult choice to make when you look at it..

A reminder

Not sure if I can get this to show up somewhere at the edge of my blog...will keep trying....

For now though its here...






As I was talking about Angels in an earlier post, all I can say now is there's one more VERY SPECIAL little angel up in heanven now, looking down on us all with a HUGE grin on her face...

What a rollercoaster time

As the title suggests these last couple of weeks have been shear hell for us.....

We went for our routine 20 week scan only to discover the baby had a problem, an exompholos...basically part of the intestines protruding, a bit like a hernia. Not a problem in itself but in some cases can actually signify a much greater problem.

We got booked in for a more detailed scan at the womens hospital in Birmingham, there we discovered to our horror that our little bean had not got a fully developed brain, she had abnormal kidneys and an abnormal heart. We were quite astonished at this as she had been so strong...kicking hard and from an early time, then every scan they'd commented on the strong heartbeat.

We lost our precious little angel on Thursday 20th July. I delivered her on Saturday 22nd July at 22:12. I was glad I was able to have the short time with her as I know Paul is, and the delivery, although I wasnt looking forward to it was such an amazing experience.

Little bean had patau syndrome, a horrible syndrome that affects a small minority.
This has been devestating for us as a family but we are coping so well as we have a strong relationship and we are strong people.

Keep watching this space as we intend to try for number 2 very soon....